what to do when your boss has jury duty:

1. water your office plant. it's dying. also dusty. why is that?
2. look at your legs for a few minutes. are they too spindly or too beefy? it's your knees that cause the confusion; what you really need to think about is where to get more opaque tights.
3. go to juan valdez and get a fancy coffee [but not too indulgent! mind the beefy legs! how about a skim latte with an extra shot of espresso? it's every fatty's favorite overpriced beverage.] spend the whole hour reading the latest new yorker, including steven shapin's review of The Hungry Years: Confessions of a Food Addict by William Leith, which is really helpful right about now. [remember fat boy slim? RIGHT ABOUT NOW THE FUNK SOUL BROTHER] [Remember that movie with Freddy-something and Rachel Leigh Cook and they all danced choreographically to that song?]
4. read a few blogs. remember to tell jacquie when you get home of course you support her. [for now! don't go overboard! (just kidding)][i think technically brackets go inside parenthesis, but i think brackets are the stronger of the two punctuation marks, and should thus fill the more supportive, outer position.]
5. i hear dictionary.com has a pretty good daily crossword puzzle.
6. you know, you've never actually counted the number of mushrooms on the GIANT PAINTING OF LOTS OF MUSHROOMS in your office.*
7. you could do some work, but what's the point? you'll just have to come in tomorrow anyway.
8. say the word "chauncey" aloud, over and over again. (when someone walks past your office, feign a coughing fit.)


*there are 67.